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**September**

Lesson 2 - What to do when you're bored at work.

We've all experienced days where you're just standing around at work, and have bugger all to do.  Well, today was one of those days, and boy was I bored.  But it didn't last.  Thanks to my ex-neighbour, now friend, manager and colleague's digital camera, much fun ensued...

I started out taking a shot of this freaky machine that's hidden away up the back of the bakery.  The thing annoys me, because every time I'm on lunch, it almost feels like it's staring at me, waiting to strike at any moment and start yelling "Exterminate!  Exterminate!"  Seriously, the thing looks like an even more primitive version of a Dalek, than those featured in the original Doctor Who.


Yeah, okay... It's a long shot, but there are some similarities!

Anywhozel, after that, I spied an ex-colleague.  A little guy whom I dubbed "Anabell", because Nancy was already taken by our 2IC supervisor at the time.  So with the help of Spanner, we started to stalk him.  The first two shots I took really sucked, so I deleted them, and headed over to Woolies to tell him off about not standing still and crap.  He posed for a pic, and I went on my merry way.  So in actual fact, we weren't really stalking him, 'cause he knew about it.  But it was fun all the same, and we were no longer bored anymore.

And so we end another lesson with Chikory O'riley. When ever you're bored, where ever you are, just whip out your magical picture capturing box, and start stalking someone*.

*Chikory is not recommending that anyone starts stalking people. Apparently the law states that it's all mean and crap. When I'm running this country, that law will change. So until then, you do what you do at your own risk.

Posted by Chikory at 13:32.
Today is Thursday, the 29h of September, 2005.

Lesson 1 - Maturity, with Chikory O'riley 

Okay everybody.  Here's a simple example of what NOT to do when you want to come across as mature and competent in your line of work.  But first, a bit of background on the characters*.

FC - Fat cow.  No one likes her, she has a big mouth, and you can tell a lot about her sanity just by looking at the company she keeps.  She's a loser, she won't work to make money, yet complains that she is broke.  She borrows money from someone every week, and does nothing but whinge about the misfortunes that she brings upon herself.  All in all, she's a poster model for the average bogan.

Spanner.  The manager of the second store.  She knows what she's doing, and doesn't take crap from FC.  Heck, no one does.  She was Chikory's neighbour for quite some time, and even though Chikory was a pain in the rectum whilst growing up, they're still pretty good friends.

LSB - Little snobby bitch.  Young girl who just rubs me up the wrong way.  She's a snob, and she always takes my Panadol because "Oh, poor baby, I have a headache!"  Boo freaking hoo.  Not only that, but out of all the casual staff, she's the one that has been there the longest, yet she still gets a heck of a lot of stuff wrong when closing the store.  Every week there is a roster photo copied for each member of staff, she takes said roster, yet still rocks up to ask if she's work that afternoon.  I just don't know about her.

Cat.  She's cool, she works hard, she's funny.  I have no beef with her.

Right, on to the example.

So, here's the deal.  Spanner had a funeral to attend, so she opened the shop, and then left Chikory in charge.  Cat and Chikory were working at the busy store, so it's usually best to have 2 people out the front for the better part of the day.

FC was working at the second store, she is on her own because she has a big mouth, no one likes her, and that store is a lot less busy.  

LSB was due to start at 11am.  Upon arrival, she was to work out the front while FC had a break.  At 11:30am, she was to arrive at store number 2, so Cat could have her break.  Then she was to return to store number one at 12pm, and have her break at 12:30pm.  At 1pm she was to go back to store number 2 again, work out the front while Chikory had her break, and then go back to store number 1 at 1:30pm, where she would stay until 5:30pm.  
But she got there late.

So, naturally, FC and LSB do not inform Chikory or Cat of this.  Cat goes on her break at 11:30am as scheduled, but has to come out and help twice during that time.  At about 11:40am, a lady wants a wholemeal venna loaf.  We have none, so Chikory calls across the road and gets LSB.  LSB informs her that, yes, she does indeed have one, and agrees to bring it over when she comes, which was supposed to be any minute.

5 minutes passes, and the lady who has already paid for the loaf, says to Chikory, "I'm heading that way, can I just pick it up there on my way through?"  So Chikory says that's fine, but calls ahead to make sure that they don't miss each other on the way.  

Chikory rings, and OH MY SQUAD, FC has got LSB still working out the front, while she trays up pies and stuff for the next day... Note, that even though one person didn't do it when they were supposed to, this could be done at 1:30pm, when LSB returns to store number 1, because FC doesn't finish till 2pm, and it doesn't take that long to do.  
Due to the fact that it is now almost 12pm, and Cat has just about finished her break, Chikory tells LSB to stay at that store, and not to come over until 1pm to do her break.  LSB says okay, and Chikory is pretty pissed that FC has screwed things up.

Chikory then must take change to store number 1.  She walks in, discovers that LSB is on her break ahead of time.  She puts change in the change bag, and goes to exit.  FC starts to rant.  Chikory replies that she was busy and understaffed, but OMS, FC is all on her own at a store that can be handled by one person, so the whole world must come to a grinding halt.  Chikory goes to intervene, after finding out that FC has not done the traying up, but realises she is talking to a raging looney.  Past experience shows that trying to reason with idiots gets you no where.  So instead, she puts her hand up and says "No, I am not listening to this." and walks out, while FC screams like a nut "Don't you be shitty with me!"
Chikory walks off, fuming that this massive heifer dares to tell her who she can and can't be shitty with.  Last time she checked, the bible did not state that thou must not be shitty with FC.  

12:30pm rolls around, and Chikory is shocked to say the least that LSB is walking in the door to work.  Seems FC has told LSB to go over and do her break.  This is truly a "WTF" moment.  
"You told me to come over."  LSB says
"No, I told you not to bother, because Cat had practically finished her break when I rang you."  Chikory replies
So, after much deliberation, Chikory had to take her break early.  Sure, no biggie to most, but Chikory likes things going according to plan.  

Planned days are good.  Screwy days are bad.

During LSB's stay at store number 2, LSB informs Chikory that the traying has been done.  WTF times two.

Moments later, the phone rings, and Spanner who has just come from a funeral, is forced to come into work.  FC has showed how mature and competent she is, and has DOBBED ON CHIKORY!
Oooh, now that's a blow bellow the belt.

It seems that the story is now as follows - Chikory made a "special" trip all the way to store number 1, just to yell at FC the flaming psychopathic nutbag.
Spanner of course, does not like FC.  No one does, so this should come as no surprise to anyone.  She knows all about said change, and also knows that Chikory had to go and deliver it.  FC is full of excrement.

Spanner tells Chikory not to go near FC, because she doesn't want to be called into work again.  You see, this is not the first time that FC has not been able to handle the smallest of problems, she frequently makes a habit of calling people and yelling at them because she can't find her spoon, or she has no custard.  A problem, easily fixed by anyone with half a brain.

So, that's what NOT to do when you want to come across as mature.  22 year-olds do not dob.  That makes you a cry baby Nancy pants.  

Chikory is now plotting to exact revenge.  It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be next month.  But she will do small things and get her revenge.  She always does.  

*Any resemblance between these characters and real life people is purely coincidence.**
**Afore mentioned statement may or may not be truthful.

Posted by Chikory at 18:24.
Today is Tuesday, the 20th of September, 2005.

The mealworm fiasco, among other things. 

I gave my pet mealworms some water earlier this week, and 6 of them decided to drown in it.  So I apologised, felt bad, and put aside their bodies for burial.  But low and behold, I take the container outside and begin my speech about how great they were, and how much they will be missed among the colony, and little pricks are alive and kicking!  Now I don't feel bad anymore, I just feel pissed off.  Lying arseholes.  I thought I was a murderer!  I thought I'd slain my little mealworms through an act of stupidity (giving them a cap full of water - Yeah, stupid).  But in the end, they were just all lying around, possibly playing a game of who can play dead the longest.  You'd think they would've let me in on it.

Today wasn't very productive.  I went up to the police station, because yes, the faggot that stole my shit is still roaming around free.  They couldn't find my file, probably because Cuntstable Carl didn't file a report.  He was in an interview, so the lady couldn't speak to him.  Instead she sent him an e-mail and he was supposed to call me, which he hasn't done.  Go figure.
The bank wants their surveillance tape back, and it's been months so I don't blame them.  Dude am I pissed at the cops right now, lazy wanks.  I practically handed over the guy, they have his name, they have evidence.  So why the fudge monkey is he walking around free???  Beats the hell out of me.

Well, Chikory joined a message board today.  She is banned now, a whopping hour after the fact.  I dunno why this always happens to me.  I don't even have to try and I get booted!  Maybe it was the fact that I pretended that I was disgusted at the mere thought of glassing one of the hi-5 members.  Or maybe it was the fact that I voiced my opinion that Charli is an up herself bitch control freak.  It's a mystery to me, and it'll probably remain that way.

Heh, saw a funny sight the other day.  Mum and I were driving home from town, and in front of us is a hippie.  They're sitting in an SUV of all cars, with a sticker on the back that says "Woolworths, I won't shop there".  This is in light of all those faggy Malaneyites complaining about the new Woolworths being made up on the range.  Seems that they're not at all happy about it, and are even less happy that the ugly excuse of a platypus costume they used to protest with was confiscated by the cops.  Probably the only thing the cops have done that's worth wild.  I just found the hypocritical scene funny.  Here's a friggin' Hippie in one of the biggest pollutant cars, standing up for the rights of nature.  Arseholes.  Their beef is actually with the people who sold Woolies the land, it's just sad.

Damn you, Hambo.  I'm supposed to be studying, but instead you've got me aimlessly googling for stupid quizzes.  Damn you straight to hell!  I'm so easily distracted.
OMS!  He he he.  Check this out, cheeky little bastard is trying to steal my cursor!  Oh my Squad!  He got it!!!  OH NO!
Anywho, here are my results:

Scary revelation. Darth Vader can read my mind!!! It took him 3 guesses, and he got it on the 3rd one. Now I'm pretty freaked out.  How'd he know I was thinking of a Turnip???

Okay, just spent a good 5 minutes having a dispute with a computer.  I can't believe it actually started to piss me off.  I kind of got lost in the moment and thought I was actually having an argument with someone on the net.  I'm a tad on the retarded side.

If you ever go sky diving, or something equally as reckless, make sure you take your ironing board!  You DON'T want to miss out on a photo opportunity.

Saw Dirty Dancing yesterday night.  Seriously, I thought Patrick Swayze was gay!  Mum was all like, "No."  And my mouth hit the floor.  The guy acts like a friggin' pansy, how was I supposed to know?

Posted by Chikory at 14:58.
Today is Saturday, the 10th of September, 2005.

Ex-Disgruntled Employee!

Well, I meant to post this yesterday.  But if I had, it would've gone against everything I believe about being a lazy bastard.  So here it is, one whole day late, but still just as great!

Last Wednesday, I put in my resignation.  On count, Woolworths has last 4 of its employees in just a few short weeks, and all people that actually knew what they were doing.  So you can imagine how frustrated some of the people higher up are.  I can't say I blame them.  However, maybe if they didn't treat their employees like little more than dirt, they might actually have people willing to help them out once in a while.  But let's stay in the real world here.

My last day was pretty shit.  I was bunged down on register 17, probably for punishment knowing those malicious arseholes.  But because the belt was broken, and it was busy, they shifted me down to register 14.  I made the point of going slow, not smiling at my customers, not checking bags, and being rather rude and offhand with people that pissed me off (which was everyone).  Oooh, I'm such a rebel!
Nothing exciting happened.  That is, unless you class a car air freshener getting sucked down under that metal doohickey at the end of the belt excitement.  I saved my last sign off slip, and on count served a whole of 72 customers.  Then I stole my stolen scarf, and returned my locker key.  Now I'm free.

There were two registers open that night, and I was the one closest to the end of the store.  So you can imagine my frustration when every single wank decided to stop at my register, instead of continuing on to see if there were any others open.  It was getting late, I was getting ticked off, and this chick came waddleing along with some of those nasty green bag things hanging off her trolley.  So, I quickly shoved my "closed" sign up, and she continued on.  It worked, I was happy for about 3 minutes, and then some other moron fronted up with the usual line of: "You look like you could use something to do."  To which I responded:  "No, not really.  I was fine just standing here doing nothing."  They thought I was joking and laughed.  Tossers.

If there was ever an excuse to bludgeon someone, my second last customer would've been it.  She was rude, stupid, and a retard.  Nothing out of the ordinary for my town though.  She claimed to not have enough money to pay, started screwing me around, and then wanted to pay part on card and part in cash.  As she was sliding her card in, she changed her mind about how much she wanted to put on the card.  She was a major pain in the rectal recreational area.

I'd have to say though, the night before was a whole different story.  I actually enjoyed that night, I mean, it was just so action packed!  I had the opportunity to bull shit customers with half baked stories that sounded true, and effectivly shut up their incessant whining.  It was just like old times.  Then, a lady came through with her daughter.  She got her cigarettes moments before the young girl showed up, and then proceeded to have a conversation right in front of me about what cigarettes this girl would like.  Then there was the pleading, and the whole I'll pay you back thing.  After a moment, she turned to me and asked for some Longbeach supermild (Now rich flavour... Because it sounds classier I guess).  I rang my bell, and as my supervisor fronted up asked the girl for ID, we have to check under the age of 30 now.
"They're not for her, they're for me."  Says the mother.
'TF?  Do I look like a deaf retard?'  "No they're not, they're for her, and I need to see ID."
"No.  I'm buying them for me."
"No, you're not."
"Yes I am."
"I need to see ID.  I was standing right here, you just had a conversation about it right in front of me.  They're for her, not you."
"Fine!  I'll buy them somewhere else."  She says in a snappy tone
"That's fine by me."  I say, "I'm not risking a massive fine to myself just because you want to break the law."
She had nothing to say to that, and she left in a huff.  Granted the girl looked about 20, but the way she was behaving said otherwise.

When the customers cleared, Karren (The supervisor.  She's the best one there), shoved her fist in the air and said "Great work, Chikory!  YEAH!"  She's a funny one.  I'll miss her.

Later that night, paramedics were called in.  Turns out that one of the grocery staff couldn't breathe.  It was rather worrying at first, as my brother works out the back and no one would tell us what was going on.  I thought it might have been him injured, but then he walked past the end of the isle, so I knew all was fine.
The man in question though, at last report, is okay.  Which is good to hear.  

Anywho, on Wednesday I raided the newspaper as I always do.  See, the new manager we got (a total tard, who I used to work for at my first store), likes to hide the paper all day long.  He won't share until the night, and then he comes back to retrieve it in the morning.  So I steal his comics.  In memory of my last few days, here is the funniest on the whole page.  It's not Insanity Streak like I usually get, it's Overboard; which is equally as entertaining.


So, this time I've really done it.  I'm still officially employed by them until the 6th, but being part-time permanent, my last official shift was the 1st.  If they call me in, I'll simply say no anyway.  So I'm as good as done.   I am no longer a Disgruntled Employee!  For now anyway, there's no telling what may happen in the future when I leave this hole of town.

Posted by Chikory at 10:00.
Today is Friday, the 2nd of September, 2005.