Chikory's Epiphany Toilet

It has come to my attention that I -
a) Am a horrible person.
b) Use too much profanity.
c) Am offensive without evening meaning to be.
d) An arsehole, and a bitch.
e) Am cruel.
f) Am a bit nutty.

Okay, so I knew most of that already. But recently there has been an influx of complaints. I'm told that I'm not very tolerant of other people. But why the h e double toothpicks should I be? If people would just stop acting like total morons, I wouldn't have anything not to be tolerant about now would I? So in actual fact it's other people who are the problem, not me.
Heh, now that's some warped thinking right there.

Anyway. So I've decided that I'm going to attempt to swear less, use less blasphemy, and be a little nicer to random people that enter chat rooms. In doing this I will now use the words crap, or mit instead of shit. Replace equally nasty words with variants of the word Stamen, and say Squad instead of God.
When people enter the Grotto and say, "Hi room!" I will no longer say, "Piss off!" Instead I will respond with a greeting that isn't as offensive. Maybe something along the lines of, "If I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all."

All that being said, I will continue to use the words - arse, ass, bloody, moron, idiot, retard, gay, tosser, and faggot.

It turns out that without even meaning to, I manage to insult people. This little gif image got me in a mit load of trouble at a certain forum. It seems it offended someone so much, they had a big Nancified cry, didn't speak to me about it, and just started up a witch hunt in the form of a post. They claimed that my avatar was so offensive that they would leave. At this point I had only made about 9 posts on this forum, none of which were rude or nasty. I'd simply joined in and attempted to be nice until I established my presence. So what did all these little stamenwits do? They visited my site, and started claiming that I was being rude to them, and treating them all with disrespect. Now I'd like to know how a few posts on my own personal site, about issues that don't relate to them in any way, shape, or form, could possibly be used to get me suspended? It's not like I was incorporating my views on their forum, or causing any trouble. I simply chose an avatar that I thought was rather amusing.

What bugs me the most is the fact that these are the people who are all for "freedom of speech" and "rights". Only thing is, it seems that they believe that you're only allowed to like what they like, do what they do, say what they want you to say, and act the way they want you to act. What a boring world it would be if these people had their way. Maybe I should rejoin and decide that almost everything they say insults me in some way. Then I'll demand they change their entire point of view on certain subjects or I might, heaven forbid, refuse to return to that forum. They're all tossers.

All I can say to these people is that some of them need to stop acting like such pussies. Their Nancified ways will not wash with me. I don't see why I should have to change my entire sense of humour, personality and web site, because a selected few can't hack a little man hitting himself and falling down. I mean really, what would they do if I walked up to them in the street and told them they smelt bad? Would they cry, call the cops and get an AVO on me? Probably.

Oh, and by the way. HOUSE was okay. I didn't mind it. I even think I'll watch it again. There's nothing like a good arsehole on TV. Damn I miss Becker. Now THAT was a good show. At least it was until Chris came and replaced Reggie.

It's awful! Just bloody awful! I got this uber cool balloon dog at Brumby's a few weeks ago when our shitty little unfinished mall had its "Grand Opening". Seriously people, a Grand Opening when it's not finished. It has a total of 7 businesses in it.
We got these orange shirts to wear on the day, (I stole mine. They want it back, I said I'd bring it. Then I forgot, and so did they it seems. So it's mine.) and some adolescents dressed as clowns walked around making balloon animals. One of them gave me a dog, which was actually pretty cool. So I took it home, and mounted it on top of my teddy bear, Tessy Bear's, lap. Just weeks later, it has deflated and now looks extremely suss.
I will show you now. Because I have pictures... PICTURES!!! How l337 and up to speed am I? Like, omg, I'm so there!

Turn your

That's some bad ass stuff right there.

That's all I've got for now. House is on tonight. I'll poke my nose in and see if it's crap or not.

Basically, I just have a big steaming pile of shit for you to read... not literally though. I didn't go out and find myself a presentable looking piece of shit, write on it, and then shove it in the microwave to give it that steamy effect. Hmm, I wonder if all that's even possible. But anywho...

The office. I watched it yesterday, it's basically a copy of the British version. They've practically taken the same story line, characters an all, and shifted it to America. I dunno if they've changed the names and stuff, but from what I saw it's the same. I know it's the same writers and everything, but I'm still going to make mention of the fact that they could've used this opportunity to do something, gee, I dunno, DIFFERENT!

The Anchorman, picture stolerised from imdb.com. Brick is on the right with the glasses.

The Anchorman, picture stolerised from imdb.com. Brick is on the right with the glasses.

I recently watched a couple of movies, one of which was Anchorman, and if you're wondering what the hell this has to do with The Office, then I'll tell you. "Badgers badgers badgers badgers." Brick, the mentally retarded guy, is the boss. For some reason my family has always had this thing where we say "I've been there!" if a place we've been to comes on the TV, or "OH MY GOD! THAT'S <insert name here> from <insert show title here>." Depending on each persons mood at the time, we might yell it ecstatically like that, make mention of it, or debate for ages over whether or not it is in fact the person the other party thinks it is. Then we miss the show, and I usually finish off going, "I'll prove you wrong, Josh you gay Nancy boy!". To which he replies, "You suck, piss off and die retard!" Then I turn on the pooter, go to imdb.com, and 9 times out of 10 I am right. I was wrong on Saturday, so I quietly whispered to mum, "We'll keep this to ourselves. Don't tell Josh, maybe he'll forget." She agreed it was for the best, and he did indeed forget.

My brother and I argue a lot, but we're not serious. Actually, it was rather amusing the other day at work, because we tend to just come out with obscenities for no reason, and shake our fists at each other, or pretend we're going to give each other the back hander. So I was walking away from the checkouts, past produce to go up stairs, and he was out the back messing with the box crusher (He does night fill). He looked up, saw me and shook his fist in my general direction. I reciprocated, not caring who was looking. Just as I was doing it, a lady who was inspecting some potatoes looked up and saw me. Wondering what the heck was going on, she glanced in the direction I was walking, but could not see anyone standing there.
She moved away.
Now why do people do that? If they assume someone is mad they move away? That's just stupid. Don't they realise that insane people have the ability to move??? Morons.

So, as I was saying, does anyone remember that show David the Gnome? It was a cartoon from years ago. I watched it when I were just a lass.

I think it was back in the 80's or something. But anyway. Now how disturbing was that show? In the end, both the gnomes died! I can't remember anything else about that show except that they both croaked! In fact, I have this one image implanted in my mind, of the end scene. A hill with a tree on it. I recall bawling my eyeballs out because under that tree was both gnomes... dead. It's a bloody children's cartoon for cryin' out loud!
But back to the point. My mum and I were talking about England. I mentioned that I wanted to live there, and she just said out of the blue, "You know, I would like to die in England." (No, she's not nuts. She was born there, that's her home. She was just saying that she'd like to die where she originated from.) Anyway, out of the blue, no prior discussion or anything to lead to this memory, I just see that tree from the end scene of the cartoon. So then we sat there and had a bitch session about the evil cartoon... which lead to my next rant.

Oprah.

I hate Oprah. From what I've seen, she's a racist! I'm not going to go into mass detail, because I can't be arsed, but I will moan about her idiocy! She's Oprah, she's supposed to be so powerful and everything. Yet she gives away one car to each member of her audience. Now why couldn't she have used that vast amount of money (and yes I am aware that the cars were probably donated too, but you can't tell me they got all that crap for free. There had to be a price in there somewhere, I mean I don't even remember what kind of car they got. So if it was for advertising purposes, then they wasted their money!) to help out some of those disadvantaged children in Africa or something. Mum suggested that she could have asked 50 families to adopted one kid each, and then offer to pay all expenses for the kid growing up if they gave one child a home. Now that would've been a decent thing to do! Helping people out that need help, not giving cars to people who probably already have one... or two!

Which brings me to mention most of these famous people who do nothing to help out the starving people of this world. Sure, they shove their mug on TV and go, "Hey, look. I'm in this country looking at these people starving. But I'm here to tell you that you need to give them money. You who have only a certain amount in your bank accounts to survive on need to feel bad that you've got that, and give money to these people because they have nothing."
Fair enough.
But when the person saying that has more than enough in their bank account to feed a small country, it's hard to take what they say seriously! I bet they give a small amount, and then say, "I did my bit. I went and did that for free."

My dog is barking.

Just so I'm not misinterpreted by anyone out there...
If you have a problem with what I've just written, click here.

Well, it's my second day off this week, and I must admit, it's screwing with my head. It's Friday, and because I'm not standing around yelling at bread because it won't stay on the damn rack, my inner clock is totally buggered. I thought it was Sunday for a moment there, that is, until mum put on 'The Phil God'. So I parked my arse with my frozen pizza (which wasn't frozen anymore) and laughed at some total fucknut who gave her son up for adoption and now wanted to be a part of his life. Seems that when the parents said 'no', she thought they had no right, and saw no problem with stalking her child. She did totally acceptable things like, taking photos of him from a distance, attending his sports games and stealing items of his clothing, leaving notes on his car windshield saying 'I want to meet you', and sending him the photos that she'd secretly taken of him.
What the hell??? When Doctor Phil mentioned that it was rather creepy to send him photos that she'd taken, her defence was that she didn't tell him who had sent them... Yeah, there's something to ease the mind and make it okay. I stalked you, then sent you the evidence so you'd know that some total nutter was watching you where ever you went, but because I didn't tell you who I was, it's okay!

So that pissed me off after a while. You can only take so much of The Phil God, no matter how God like he is. It was when I left the lounge room that I got bored and started Googling for online quizzes and tests... What? I was bored! That makes this totally asseptable (as the Super Nanny would say).

I am 9% Video Game Addict.

Why did I even take this test? I don�t even know who Mario is! I should do the world a favor and buy a console and a dozen games so people don�t think I am lame.

I am 21% White Trash.

I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Take the
White Trash Test
@ FualiDotCom I am 22% Hippie.

What? Am I a Republican? Why did I even bother taken this test?! I guess I�ll back to my George W. Bush fan club and tell them I just wasted 10 minutes of my life. At least I don�t stink, man.

Take the
Hippie Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 77% Asshole/Bitch.

I am one of those people that love to hear the sound of their voice. That and my lousy attitude make for a mixture as toxic next-day-mexican-dinner-ass-drip.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom I am 12% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

You are Kairet Mustapha. You have a heart full of anxiety and sorrow. Your husband was the Chief Security Officer for the ex-President of Nigeria. You have $30 million in an account in Ghana though you can't afford a comfortable meal. You want to give me 20%.

You are Amiga OS. Ahead of your time. You keep a lot of balls in the air. If only your parents had given you more opportunities to suceed.

You are .* You are a wildcard. You are everything to everybody. You can't make up your mind as to what you want to be.

What is your weird quotient? Click to find out!

I am nerdier than 23% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

My Delta G. Cult is moments away from completion. I've slapped together a very amateur looking site, in a bid to fool Delta's vast, rapidly growing clan of fat ugly 15-year-old girls into congregating at "Sarah's" little corner of the world wide web.

It's a pretty shit Yahoo! Geocities site, but that just makes it all the more believable.

The chosen identity is Sarah Shem. A just turned 19-year-old girl who is apparently studying child care at TAFE because she just "luvs kids" and "Delta! coz shes so pretty and sweet!"

Basically what I'm hoping to achieve is the satisfaction of watching these people frequently visit a site that unbeknownst to them, has been created to secretly insult their beloved idol in sneaky underhanded ways.

I just hope this all goes according to plan. I'd hate to see such potential for fun get flushed down the bogger.

You can view Sarah's MSN profile here, her Geocities site here and her forum here.

I wish I could report that the tool has had his arse kicked, but I can't. I actually had a slight bit of disturbing fun mixed in with the chaos of cancelling and replacing various items that I once had in my possession. It turns out that the centre that my bag was pilfered from does not in fact have video surveillance. I'd like to know why the hell not, the place has been up and running since I can remember, and in my books that's a bloody long time (although some would disagree)! So after some thought, it occurred to me that the bank across from Brumby's would have a camera, so I decided to do my own police work.

Over I went, where the lady took me out back to show me how much of the outside area their cameras catch. Although you can't see my little bag sitting innocently on the floor, you can see someone approach, bend over, pick up the bag and then piss bolt off; which is what I witnessed today.
My suspicions were confirmed, and though I don't know what the faggot's name is, I do know what he looks like. He's a fat wanker, who comes by Brumby's every Monday afternoon (Excluding this Monday just gone. Go figure) and buys one drink. I have never liked him, and now I have even less of a reason to. But by gum, next time I see the shit head, I'm going to tell him in no uncertain terms to piss off until he brings my shit back, WITH the 10 cents that was in the bag, AND enough money to cover the following bill...

8 hours of missed shifts at Woolworths: $113.1032
New mobile phone: $188.10
Replacement licence: $23.30
Key rings: $1.79
Key chain: $3.64
Torch: $7.95
Note book: $1.97
Change of house locks and new keys: $66.00
New wallet: $12.95
Car locks changed and new keys: $180.95
New bag: $19.85
Pad lock: $5.69
Total: $625.2932

I intend on that wank to pay that bill, and I haven't included bank fees for extra withdrawals, or petrol costs. But now that I know who he is, he won't be that hard to locate. All I'd have to do is sit at Centrelink for a week or two, I'm sure he has a form to hand in at some point. I've informed Constable Carl, but I'm not sure if he's going to head over to the bank to view said footage. I mean, it's not like we haven't had a rash of bag thefts in this area lately, plus the builder's expensive tool belt (with tools) that was stolen earlier that day, so yeah, no real rush or anything.

I've also taken the liberty to draw the bug eyed freak. I'd have to say, even though it's a quick cartoon, it still resembles him (I can't be arsed colouring it in).

I'd like to know why it is that I thought to go to the bank and seek out this fucker, and yet the police, who are paid to do this sort of shit, didn't. Mum's disappointed in the people in blue right now, and I'd have to say I am too.

That's all I've got for now. I'd rant about my second visit from the 50 cent bread guy, but I'm sure you can imagine how that went. So until next time, yeah...

Right on. Because I have a few things to rant about, I'm going to set them up in what I do believe is my second miniature rantation.

First on the agenda is an update on my Dealt a forum bashing. It seems I was banned from the site for only about a day or two. I kept getting that whole "forbidden site" 403 message, which I assume was meant for me, at least I'd like to think so. I wasn't going to bother with the Delta forums for a while, but at work today I just HAD to turn the radio off. The thing was blurting forth trashy songs, and I just couldn't take it anymore. So after I finally tracked down the "off" button, I walked back out the front, only to be barraged by the centre's radio.
Which was playing Delta Goodrem.
The radio went back on pretty damn quick smart.
So about 3 hours ago, I hoped back on my pooter, and did a quick run by the forums (just to triple check my status) and low and behold I'm allowed to view the forums again. Whoop dee doo. I'll start being annoying again when I can be bothered.

Next off is this site. While I was browsing through some of the archives on Lee Goldberg's blog, I stumbled upon one rather disturbing find. Seems that one Ulrich Haarb�rste is a Roy Orbison fan. Now there's nothing wrong with liking Roy, but when you have devoted a website to writing fiction about wrapping him in cling wrap, well... there's just something unsettling about the whole thing. Have a read for yourself...

'Mind you, people do not realize how much is on each roll. I bet that with a single roll alone I could wrap you up entirely.'
Roy Orbison sits impassively like a monochrome Buddha. My palms are sweaty.
'I will take that bet,' says Roy. 'If you succeed I will give you tickets to my new concert. If you fail I will take Jetta, as a lesson to you not to speak boastfully.'
I nod. 'So then. If you will please to stand.'
Roy stands. 'Commence.'
I start at the ankles and work up. I am like a spider binding him in my gossamer web. I do it tight with several layers. Soon Roy Orbison stands before me, completely wrapped in cling-film. The pleasure is unexampled.
'You are completely wrapped in cling-film,' I say.
'You win the bet,' says Roy, muffled. 'Now unwrap me.'
'Not for several hours.'
'Ah.'
I sit and admire my handiwork for a long time. So as not to make the ordeal unpleasant for him we make small talk on topical subjects, Roy somewhat muffled. At some point I must leave him to attend to Jetta's needs. When I return I find he has hopped out of my house, still wrapped in cling-film. The loss leaves me broken and pitiful. He never calls me. He sends no tickets. The police come and reprimand me. Jetta is taken away, although I get her back after a complicated legal process.

Next up, we have Woolies. I haven't actually quit yet. I cleaned out my locker today, handed in the key and gave my head supervisor my resignation, but soon got it handed back. Penny wanted to know if I was sure that I wanted to quit, and then went on to blame Karly for what she was told to say. She claims everything that what was said to me was taken out of context, as Karly was just listening into a conversation that was being had, and not passing on a message. So she's given me 2 weeks to think about it. I know full well it's just her saving her arse though, mostly because Kelly said when I rocked up to the service desk to have a chat with Debbie, "You'll have to speak to Karly, she's been told what to say." Or something along those lines anyway. It disgusts me how these people are so quick to stab each other in the back.
Anywho, I'll go in and speak to the arsesistant manager on Tuesday, and go from there. I'm not going back if I can't have a discount card, so they can ping off. 5% is pretty shit, but still, it makes a difference. At least if I stick around at Woolworths, I do get to keep my title of 'Disgruntled Employee�', and Hambo's shares don't go down.

Last but not least, I'm going to have a whinge about an advertisement on TV. Wide Bay Capricorn, a bank in these parts, advertises that if you pay 5 bucks, you get a whole heap of shit for free (Transactions and all that bank related whoo haa). Last time I checked, when you had to pay any amount of money, it's no longer free. At least that's what my understanding always was. I guess the public is "stupider" than I thought (Yeah, that was intentional, after all, I'm very intellect).

It's yet another joyous day in the territorial bubble of Chikory O'Riley�. Well, if we're going to be technical, yesterday was the joyous day, today is just the aftermath. You see, with my recent dilemma I've had a lot of stuff to do. So the two shifts I had at Woolworths, had to go. Like hell I'm going to stand at a register and work a crappy job for money while some fag has my ATM cards, and the possible ability to spend said money. So I rang in and cancelled my Tuesday shift, and on the Wednesday told them that I was cancelling my shift that afternoon on my way to Brumby's. They were none too happy. But seeing as the bastards wouldn't even replace my stolen discount card, I decided they could shove it.

See, the Brumby's store is directly across from Woolworths, so they can watch me working away and I can watch them. So you can imagine my amusement when I see Debbie going into overdrive, having a cry to the arsesistant manager about it. In her mind, I have cancelled a whole heap of shifts. In reality, she has been the one cancelling them. Don't get what I mean? I will explain...

Each time I have had to cancel a shift, I have approached the supervisor and asked if I could switch shifts with someone, or just work most of the shift and leave an hour early. They either tell me to cancel it then, scrap it for me, or say "We're too busy to do that." Pardon me, but if the store is busy (Which it is!), then wouldn't it stand to reason that they don't want to be 1 person down at the checkouts? I guess it pays to be ignorant, because I just don't get it!

But back to the story at hand.

Debbie sent one of the lowly employees over, and they informed me that she wanted to speak to me. Like hell I was going to leave my job to go and speak to her on Brumby's time. Now that's a bit cheeky! So I said I'd walk the 4 meters on my break, which I did. Debbie had gone upstairs, so I got stuck talking to Karly. She rabbited on with some bull crap that she'd been told to say but was completely full of it, and then added in that the arsesistant manager said, "If you cancel more than 3 shifts, we can terminate your employment." I don't know what they hoped to achieve from this, but little did they know I had the intention of quitting. So I replied, "Well, that's fine. Because I actually came over here to quit."

When I went back to Brumby's, I started on my letter of resignation. It was very sarcastic. But my boss talked me out of that, and I've since written a polite one that would probably make you want to throw up. Despite the fact that Woolworths doesn't even deserve that. I'd like to just refuse to show up.

So long story short (Notice I say this after I've told you the whole story?) Woolworths is no more. I was bouncing off the walls yesterday, absolutely ecstatic and full of beans. Fellow ex-work colleagues congratulated me for quitting, and I even had a customer say, "Good for you!" (She wasn't being sarcastic by the way).

Oh, and for the record, I'm not replacing the locker key that got stolen. I think a multi-million dollar company can afford to pay 2 bucks to get a new one cut.