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**April**

Arse of the moment No. #1 -

Voted worst and most trigger happy sysop in the Grotto Community Awards of 2005, Squad has earned his fame by being a complete and utter wank; which is something he appears to be very skilled at.  He's been mocked and ridiculed by all, and there's not one person (guest or member) that respects him.  So is it any question why he's my choice for being the first of many to come in the arse of the moment section?  If it is, get your head read.  You must be a bigger moron than I thought.  

So, let's do a bit of background work shall we?  No?  Oh well, it's not up to you.  I'm going to do it anyway...

After some excessive googling, I managed to come up with some information on our little Milton Keynes resident, which I will now take the time to disperse to you*.  Keep in mind that some of the following facts may not entirely be true, most of it is unsubstantiated and more than likely just a coincidence.  But what the hell, I'll leave that up to your own judgment.  So, let's get on with the fact sheet that I like to call, Operation Squadron™...


Stuart Johnston is an idiot, as is clear to see in the picture on your right.  He dosn't mind adding photos of himself, leaning on a car with his number plate visible to all and sundry.  Note, this picture was taken back in the day before such acts would, without doubt, have put a dent the size of a small crater in its precious metal.

BT Yahoo! broadband is his ISP, and here is his customary e-mail address.

Google also picked up on a few message boards he frequented at one stage.  PSV Military Forum (Username SOUL), the Zone Sysops, and Bush is a moron.

In one of his profiles, he mentions he likes to play baseball.  I find that odd, as baseball is an American sport, and he lives in England.  How screwed up is this Milton Keynes place?  Sources tell me it's a hole.  
Their humble town enjoys posting stuff up on their very own website, so doing a quick check I discovered that not only did Stuart's team do well last season, but a man by the name of Bob Johnston coached the junior team.  Now maybe I'm jumping to conclusions with this one, but I'd say it's a pretty sure bet that old man Johnston got his little Stuart hooked at a young age.  Maybe there is even a disturbing past behind his love for baseball.  Yes, I can see it now; Old man Johnston, due to an injury of sorts, was forced to live his dreams of being a big baseball star through his son.  He took up coaching, because it was the only way he could get close to the sport, and forced Stuart to spend each afternoon practicing his swing, and running laps around the back yard dunny (toilet).  Oh poor Stuart, and all he wanted to do was play dress up with his friends.  ((I shed a tear))

How could I forget his incredibly shit website?  If you take the last part of the url, it's also his yahoo account.

I also stumbled upon some rather questionable ads, in which a local paper was advertising for a special performance by Stuart Johnston at a gay club... Hmm.  It's a long shot, but could it be?

Now let's take a gander at Stuart's MSN profile.  It's all pretty standard stuff, but one thing I find disturbing is under the "favourite things" section.  Here it is, exactly as he typed it...
TopGear
Shooting Stars (hillarious!)
Aston Martin DB5, DB9
Sports- especially Baseball
Aviation
The girls!
Lazy sunday mornings!

So what do I read out of this?  
A) He can't spell.
B) I assume top gear is clothing, which is at the very top of his list.  That just screams gay to me.  
C) He lists girls second from last, not only that but "The girls" could be code for his drag queen buddies.
D) Baseball involves locker rooms, showers and other naked men.  Could that be what he loves most about it?
Bit far fetched?  Yeah, I thought so.  But not totally implausible!

Let's move on to the "a little about me" section, which is equally disturbing.  Despite the fact that it's entitle "a little about me", it actually tells me a lot.  Probably more than he'd meant to...

I enjoy stamp collecting, reading novels, calculating math, knitting and saving the world... I'm your average guy!

Yeah... right!  Your average guy reads, collects stamps and knits.  HA HA HA HA!  Need I say more?

I conclude my fact sheet on Squad with a link, to the Grotto Comics.  If you've had dealings with him personally, this should earn a laugh.  If not, then reading this is a waste of your time, go find something else to do.

Posted by Chikory at 16:02.
Today is Monday, the 25th of April, 2005.

Dealt a forum bashing

Well, somewhere between 2:30 and 5am I got bored.  I'd already spammed Cruddie (Feel free to tell him how gay he is), I'd been gagged from The Zone, and had nothing left to say on the BCA message board (A M*A*S*H board).  Truth be known I only went back there to point out how retarded all the new posters are.  Boards lose their intelligence the moment 12 year old kids crawl into the works.  Anywho, we're not talking about that now are we?  No.  So back to the point.  I was bored, so a great idea hit me!  I'd subscribe to a forum of something I hate and annoy the people there!  Sounded like fun at the time, and, it was.  Naturally the forum of my choice was Delta Goodrem (I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Hambo, because it was his site that gave me this marvelous idea).  So off I went.  I subscribed, read all of 8 topics, posted some rubbish, and then departed.  That place was crawling with tards, I mean absolutely crawling.  It's like Grand Central Station in that shitter, and all of them have an IQ below 50.  It seems you must register to view any of this, so I have taken the liberty to grab a few screen shots of the more ludicrous posts.

My Chikory style riot™ started with a post asking "who do you love?"  My choice was, of course, the Pope.  I took this opportunity to express my disgust in the vicious rumour that has been spread about him.  That being, the fact that he's dead.  Yeah I know he is, but what the hell.  It sounded good so I said it. 

Next I moved on to "Let's make a pact".  The screen shots are pretty much self explanatory.



What The...?  These people are nuts.  When I read this post to my mother she walked out of the room looking a little bit unnerved, announcing that "these people are sad".  Hey, she's my mum, she's never wrong, and this time was no exception.  As it went along people seemed to be quoting and agreeing and following the cult leader's command, that is, until I posted.



People started to reply, agreeing that it was indeed a stupid thing to do.  Then we get this intelligent response.



I'd like to know what Delta has done for her lately?  Aside from giving this moron a forum where she can attack the world with her excellent vocabulary.

Moving on from there I found a genius who has mastered the use of Microsoft Paint.  She proudly shows off her signature picture.  But hey, who wouldn't?  It's legendary!
What excellent craftsmanship!!!









Okay, so last but not least, we have the idiots who thought I was serious when I commented on someone's signature picture.  Seems she had typed out something Delta had written, I am guessing it was an autograph of sorts...
     
When I made a very obvious, but apparently not obvious enough, sarcastic remark -  "OMG! I was just looking at your signature picture, and saw your what ever the hell that was from Delta. She writes just like a computer! HTF does she do that??? OMG! LOL!!!!1 I wish I could write like that. She is so smart."  - They all thought I was serious, and felt the need to point out that she typed it out and Delta did not, in fact, write it.  
OH
MY
SQUAD!
You have no idea how shocked I was to hear that.  It's like a piece of me was ripped away!  They single handedly ruined my whole day!

After my 9 posts, I went on my merry way to insult my evil bitch of a sister.  However, when I returned just over 6 hours later, I found I have had my posting privileges removed.  Amazing, that's a new record for me.  I don't know the exact time I was booted, but somewhere in those few hours, I must have said or done something horrible.  I wonder what.

Posted by Chikory at 14:24.
Today is Tuesday, the 12th of April, 2005.

I'm now officially disturbed... yet again.

Thanks to my brother, I am now feeling particularly disturbed, yet again.  The human brain is an interesting thing, all it takes is one slight memory of past events, and you're taken back to square one.  In this case, it's those tormenting times at school.  Kids can be so cruel.  

So, my brother sent me this handy link, to a rant about some guy's experience on an average bus trip home.  Reading this, it suddenly made me feel like I was back in school, turning a blind eye to the half brained morons who took it upon themselves to become a one person freak show.  Usually these kids worked alone, mouthing off foul shit to anyone who listened.  Laughing at the 'oh so brilliant' things they said, and thinking everyone feared them and looked up to them.  This was very rarely the case.  Something they were too dumb to realise was that most looked down on them, thought they were among the biggest retards in the school, and pitied them for their lack of a decent intellect.  

However, I was fortunate enough to receive sweet sweet justice, just one year after I departed that shit hole they called my school.  I was busy working away at my checkout, scanning various items, ignoring the customer in front, when I spot a familiar face waddling along with her boy friend.  It's Xena, warrior princess (as my buddies and I nick named her), and she was as big as a whale.  Fat?  Hell no!  Very much pregnant, this son of a bitch was ready to burst at any moment.  
So anyway, unnoticed by her I am quietly sniggering at her misfortune, this ignoramus has not even realised I am there...yet.  She completes her shopping and waddles her fat arse up to my line, stands there for a few minutes talking to her dirty skank of a man, and then looks up and sees me.  She is horrified to say the least.  First I see recognition, then I see realisation, which is quickly followed by shame.  She whispers to her boy friend and they waddle off to another line.  But that's not the best part; Xena was so ashamed that she started to cry.  Some might say I am cruel, but after what that tosser put me through, I feel justified.  Damn straight she should be feeling guilty, it's just a pity she didn't find her conscience at the time.  Instead she chose to make my life a total living hell, attracting attention to what ever misfortune she saw fit.  Justice is sweet, at least in my case it was, I'll never forget that beaten look of pure embarrassment as long as I live.  

Chikory's advice - If you're getting picked on at school, think of a way to get back at them.  Make sure it's a sneaky, underhanded plan, that they'll have no idea or way of knowing it was you.  Those are the best.  If you think you need to talk to someone about your problems, don't.  You will be laughed at, ridiculed and embarrassed.  Bottle it up, that's the healthy thing to do.*

Posted by Chikory at 09:18.
Today is Tuesday, the 12th of April, 2005.
*I hold no responsibility for any children that may become mentally disturbed as a result of this post.  Any links to their mental health and my site are purely coincidental.  If you take my advice, you take it at your own risk.

Society can go to hell!

Well it's that time of week again, that terrible terrible time.  Food Shopping.  It's the day I get in my little car and drive down to my place of work with my mummy dearest, only to become pissed off by at least 10 people in each of the following categories:

Children
Bogans
Old people
Bad drivers
Moronic customers

Parents don't control their children anymore.  Not only do I have to concentrate on what I'm doing, but I have to concentrate on what their little turds are doing too.  I almost collected 3 of the little bastards today, and all the parents can do is go "Look out for the people Johnny".  Yeah, sure, tell me that AFTER I park my trolley on his face.  What ever happened to the fear that some big scary stranger might come and snatch you?  What ever happened to good old 'do what you're told or you're going to be in a whole seat of shit when you get home'?  Those were the days.  The days when children lived in fear, they didn't do anything without being told they could, they didn't speak unless spoken to, they knew their place.  I realise parenting is hard, but it is a responsibility that you took on when popped the thing out.  They are controllable.  Show them the back of your hand once in a while and they'll soon learn.  Like, take this for instance.  We have this 3 year old little shit that regularly comes into Woolies with her mother.  She does nothing but scream, kick, punch and attack her mum.  She has a scream that is so loud, it pierces your ear drums.  There's obviously something wrong with this child, as it does it every single bloody time, (and of course, they always come through my register).  What's the mother's solution?  In a nice, gentle almost whisper she says, "No.  Don't do that please.  Stop."  TF?  Words can't describe the retardation of that!

Next, the bogans.  The derelict morons who can't afford anything.  They fill their trolleys with Home Brand, junk and magazines and then spend forever at the register going "Sorry, can't afford that.  Can we put this back, that back, and maybe that."  By the time they're done, half the shit is stacked a meter high behind the poor bastard's register, and they're left with about 100 dollars worth of pure crap.  That's right, they put back all the healthy food.  "I don't need tinned corn, but I'll keep these lollies."  "Why bother with toothpaste when I can read my magazine?"  "Hmm, don't think we need lettuce today.  But we'll keep in the ice cream."  Sure, maybe they don't need toothpaste right away.  But when you see them do this on a weekly basis, you know for a fact that they've got to be running low on it at some point, and their teeth are proof of that!  
When ever I have the unfortunate pleasure of serving these people, I just want to reach out, beat them over the head and tell them to get a bloody calculator.  How hard is that?  You know you've got a freaking budget, so use a God damn calculator!!!  While they're at it, they can also try putting the important stuff through first, and the stuff they might not need last.  

Moving on to old annoying farts.  They constantly go out of their way to piss you off.  The most annoying peeve of mine with them is when they block the isle.  You stand there waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more.  They're either talking or looking at stuff.  They cast a glance over their shoulder, go 'Yup, I see you there', and then refuse to move.  You say excuse me, and suddenly they decide that they're deaf.  So you turn your trolley around and head up the isle, just to go down the next one and attack from a different angle.  But by then, as luck would have it, they have shifted and you're stuck with them yet again.

The majority of drivers are complete tards.  I hear they're nothing compared to Victorian drivers, but what the hell, they're bad enough.  For instance, yesterday, I am coming home from work, and I find myself stopping behind a car, with another 4 lined up behind me.  Some total Lucida Sans Unicodegot has decided that this person who isn't even sitting in their car yet, is going to leave.  Naturally they want the parking space.  Screw the fact that there is one directly in front of the car that's about to leave, they want that one.  So they hold up everyone by stopping as off to the side of the road as they can get (These are reverse parks, so their idea of off to the side is parking in the middle of the road).  No one can get by, cars are coming on the opposite side of the road, and we're holding up traffic.  Finally the bloke is ready to leave, the car in front of me sees their opportunity to go around the retard waiting for the parking space, so there is now a small amount of room for this fella to get his car out.  He can't see a thing on the opposite side of the road, so he's got no choice but to take a chance.  He almost got his nose knocked off by one car, then had to force another to come to a halt just to get out.  We almost had a head on collision, keep in mind this is a 60kmph area.  So the jack ass waiting for the space reverses in, I start to go, he finds he is hitting the gutter and starts to drive forwards again and almost smacks into the side of me.  WTF?  Does he think everyone is going to wait till his Nancy fancy arse is in its spot till we move?  What is it with these people?  They think they own the road!  God damn it!

Last but not least, it's the customer who recognises that you work there.  You're in your civvies, you've got your mother standing there, you're leaning on the trolley, shopping list in hand and they demand to know where stuff is.  Do I look like I'm getting paid for this?  NO!  Yet it is still my duty for some reason to tell them where to find their crap.  

I'd also like to take this opportunity to point and laugh at the mullet family.  We have a mother, a father, two sons and a daughter who regularly come in throughout the week.  The whole family has matching mullets.  I bet they think they're looking pretty fine.  I just can't wait till they start going to school, those kids are going to be eaten alive!

Posted by Chikory at 13:40.
Today is Friday, the 9th of April, 2005.

And you all said I was paranoid! HA!

I have always said there is a conspiracy against me.  I've also stated throughout out my life from a very early age, (like 6 or something) that I will die of either cancer or a tumor.  Well the later hasn't come true yet, but the first lot has!  I have proof!!!  Not only are T.V. stations everywhere out to get me, and people in general, but the Internet police are too!  I sent the link for this site to my brother who is currently living in Thailand, and at the time the site had only been up and running for 3 whole days, give or take an hour.  He clicked on the link, and you know what?  BANNED!  They've banned my freaking site!!!  So I got my brother to get me a screen shot.  Notice the morons banning my site can't even spell "alert" correctly???

Now what did I tell you?  3 days is all it took those arses to ban me, 3 days!  I havn't even got my world domination plans set out on paper.  The troops havn't even been called into service.  I havn't even made the new world uniform!!!  I know the CIA sent that spider to spy on me, it was too robotic, too smart.  And what's more, its body disappeared when it apparently "died" by accident (I swear, it was an accident.  I learnt my lesson after the last lot of rabid hunsmen spiders stalked me!).  I didn't believe it was dead mind you, and its missing body more than proved that.  Every time I tried to catch it, it outsmarted me.  I know they were watching through a tiny camera, controlling its movements with a remote, picking up on what ever information it could.  I demand a Roy and HG style probe into this!  "I'll get back to ya Barry."  How very Play School of me.

Posted by Chikory at 16:50.
Today is Friday, the 8th of April, 2005.

For the love of God, why couldn't I be deaf???

No I'm not a total arse hole.  I'm not going to start ranting about the deaf, although in this case they are a lucky bunch of bastards whom I envy for their disability.  It seems Woolworths is obsessed with Delta Goodrem, the biggest fame whore ever known to mankind.  I can't work one shift without hearing at least 5 of her songs, and that's not even the worst part; I have no where to run!  I'm stuck, standing there serving moron after moron, with her in the background acting as their theme music.  Why can't they give some other poor bugger a chance?  Why do we have to hear her all the time?  There are other artists out there arn't they?  At least last time I listened to my play list there was, and ones that can actually sing mind you.  Maybe they're brainwashing the mass amount of sheep we have in our society to 'buy Delta's CD', using not so subtle subliminal messages, or maybe they have no taste.  What ever the reason, I'm sick of hearing her.  She's on the T.V, she's on the radio, she's on the front of every damn magazine, "exclusively" reporting some tragic event that has left this strong willed little Aussie cancer battler looking like the bravest person ever.  How noble.  
'Delta stubs toe on photo shoot!'
'Delta apologises for whoring herself out on the public with yet another exclusive interview'

And how about Ian Smith's Australian Story?  It was his story, and yet we had her sitting there narrating the beginning, talking in her 'I'm a kind and innocent person' voice.  Come on!  If she talked to me like that I'd be insulted!  It's almost belittling.  I wouldn't even talk to a child in that voice, and I hate kids. The ads focused on her, screw Ian (Harold from Neighbours), he's just a by the way, despite the fact that the show is supposed to be about him.

Next on my list of rants about her is an interview from Rove Live.  I'd actually gone a whole day without hearing her song at work, but low and behold she is waiting for me on the boob tube (That's a T.V people, wake up!).  The previous week Rove had interviewed her boyfriend, the man she stole whilst dating Mark Philippousis, and then had the nerve to complain when he cheated on her with the well known dirty hoe, Paris Hilton.  Rove commented on the former West Life singer, Brian McFadden's, new found love interest in our so called 'favourite Aussie', and asked if he loved her.  He admitted on live television without hesitation that he indeed did.  So Rove said he would ask Delta the same question when she came on the following week, which he did.  There was hesitation on her part, and the 3 times that Rove asked her she just replied "I'm very happy, thank you, Rove."  That poor stupid bastard!  He has no idea that he has just left his wife and kids for someone who is playing him like a cheap guitar!  

Anywhoozel, now I shall sit back and wait for the screwed up Delta Goodrem fans to start e-mailing me with their disgust that I should, God forbid, have an opinion of my own.  I  just have one thing to say to you intellectually challenged Lucida Sans Unicodeworths; "I know you are but what am I?"  

Posted by Chikory at 11:52.
Today is Thursday, the 7th of April, 2005.

OMG!  WTF?  Its like my 1st post eva! LOL!!!1
Current mood - Disgruntled

Okay, I'm over that now... On to the post!  I've got nothing better to do, having just been gagged for 60 minutes from the Grotto.  Bastard Sysops.  One day I will get my revenge on them.  So much for freedom of speech.  I want to know where it says in the constitution, that it's limited to non abusive words.  I bet it's not written there.  Wonder why?  Maybe because it would be contradictory!  WOW!  Not freedom of speech after all then, is it? <-- Rhetorical question, do not answer.
Okay, so today, I have been booted twice for two totally unrelated reasons, and gagged once.  It's safe to say I'm on a roll.

Oh, check this out.  It was in Monday's paper.  It's the cartoon 'Insanity Streak'.  But I'm a dumb arse, so I cut off the title - Shut up!  I did a good job in Photo Shop putting it back on, so go to hell!


That aside, let's get down to some fun news.  I did my first 3 hour shift at my new job.  I was working for free, but I don't mind because it's going to give me the opportunity to get away from the retards at Woolworths.  I hate working there.  Today I was doing 10am-1pm at Brumby's, and 5pm-8pm at Woolies.  Well, I couldn't be stuffed, so I went in there with my Brumby's hat on (It kicks some serious donkey) and told them that I'm cancelling my shift.  They were pissed, the evil Nazi bastard supervisor tried to stare me down, but when she realised I wasn't in the slightest bit intimidated she turned around to get the roster and I walked off.  What fun.

Posted by Chikory at 16:22.
Today is Wednesday, the 6th of April, 2005.